“What I have learned from this book (Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting) has already improved my relationship with my eight year old son. My son thanked me this morning for reading this book. He said I am turning into the mom he always wanted. ‘Even if it means you don’t always get your way?’ I asked. He replied, ‘It’s easy to learn from my mistakes when you aren’t yelling at me about them.’ I almost burst into tears.”- Shannon
Kids like to get their way. But there’s something every child wants even more:
Someone who loves you, no matter what. Someone who doesn’t yell when you make mistakes. Who is calm and patient, even when you’re mad or whining. Someone who controls their own emotions so they can listen and empathize, even when you’re wrong, even when you were so upset you were rude, even when you hit your sister. Someone who holds a vision of you as your best self, even when you can’t find that self.
Imagine growing up with that parent. That’s what every child deserves.
Of course, we can’t be that parent 24/7, because we’re only human. No one is perfect, and parents have lots of reasons to lose it on a regular basis. So instead we make the commitment to increase our ratio of good parenting moments, and we work hard at it. Luckily, each step in the right direction makes a big difference, and kids are resilient.
But if you’re wishing you could be that parent more often, or if you’re feeling stuck in a negative cycle, maybe it’s time to give yourself more support. Without that support, peaceful parenting is just too hard. In fact, if you’re like most moms and dads, you already know how to be that peaceful parent. Just stay calm! So you think you’ll just get tough on yourself and “do better.” You apologize to your child, and then you yell at yourself.
But if you have a plant that’s wilting, you don’t yell at it to straighten up and grow right. You figure out what it needs to thrive: More water? More sunshine? More room to grow? This applies to your child, of course. But it also applies to you. Being hard on yourself doesn’t make you a better parent. Resolving to be more patient doesn’t necessarily make you a better parent, if you don’t give yourself the support you need to stay calm and regulate your own emotions.
So instead of berating yourself, take a moment right now, and consider what one thing could you do today to support yourself to be the parent you want to be.
1. Maybe you need to get more sleep.
2. Maybe you need to make a star chart and let your kids give you a star for each day you don’t yell.
3.Maybe you need to slow down a bit so you aren’t so stressed, and you can enjoy your child more.
4. Maybe you need to read a parenting book to inspire you, or take a course, or join a group that will support you.
5. Maybe you just need to love yourself and your child unconditionally, even though neither of you will ever be perfect.
You know, deep inside, what the next step is, for you to be the parent you want to be. Yes, that will take work on your part. But life is short, and you deserve it. And your child deserves it. The days with your child may feel long, but childhood is short. Every day, your child is creating memories. He’s shaping his brain. She’s laying the foundation for relationships for the rest of her life.
You don’t have to change all at once. The most lasting changes come one step at a time, from creating new habits. Why not just make a plan to give yourself the support you need, and take the first step, today?
Source: Aha! Parenting Blog
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